Monday Movie Review - The Field Guide to Evil

When I read the blurb and discovered this collection of short films was done by the same people who'd put out The ABCs of Death, I rented it with the hope of finding some great content. After all, between you and me, we both know there are going to be some hits and some misses when it comes to any kind of compilation.

Unfortunately, all eight of these vignettes missed for me.

Each one is based on a particular piece of folklore or myth from a specific country. Many of the shorts are in a foreign language with English subtitles, which doesn't bother me. The cinematography was gorgeous in most cases, the CGI was excellent, and the acting was engrossing, but somehow all the stories fell flat at the end. There was a great hook, a superb follow-through, but then...  It's sad when you finish watching a film, only to ask yourself "What happened then?" or "Wait! That's it?"  A few even left me scratching my head, wondering what the main plot had been about. 

If this shows up on your cable, or in one of your streaming services, and you have nothing better to do, you might want to check it out. Otherwise, my recommendation is that you

Monday Movie Review - MEXICO BARBARO

Some horror movies like to build up the tension before unleashing on the viewers. Some go for the all-out blood and gore assault. And some like to push as many buttons as it can to see how grotesques and stomach-churning they can get.

Mexico Barbaro fits into this third category. This subtitled flick is actually eight short tales that are linked together without any discernible connecting thread that I could tell. Some of the tales take more than one viewing to understand what the story's about. But some are so sickening that I had a hard time watching it (ie. rape, child rape and torture, and menstrual blood, to name a few.)

I rented this movie because it was listed on several sites as among the most bizarre and revolting movies of all time, and I agree with those critics. This is not for the squeamish, but neither can I recommend it.

Which is why I suggest that you
 

Monday Movie Review - THE GRACEFIELD INCIDENT

It seems I've been watching a lot of first-person, unsteady camera POV movies. Some are good. Some are memorable. Some try a different technique or two. And some tend to confuse the viewer by constantly switching back and forth between the camera and 3rd person.

The Gracefield Incident does the last, as well as try something new. The something new is when the hero installs the camera from his iPhone into his fake eyeball, so that we get his POV throughout this flick. (Does that really work? And who puts red yarn on the outside of the eyeball before sticking it inside their eye socket?) Then we add another person coming in with HIS camera to add to the drama. (A problem here is that the camera he's using appears to be a still-shot camera, not one that films action sequences.) And then we get the 3rd person omnipotent viewpoint - and all three bounce back and forth willy-nilly as the story progresses.

Yes, there are a few jump scares. No, there's no bloodletting. THis is more along the lines of psychological horror. The actors do try to give it their best, but the performances seem too over the top. But one of the things that gave me that "burr under the saddle" feeling is that their voices sounded like they had been dubbed over from inside a studio. They don't have that natural sound that comes from being recorded on site.

Aside from these failings, I really tried to like this movie. You could tell everyone put their heart into making it work, but the plot was too predictable. Too many plot points felt false or forced. And the revelation explaining their dilemma was...well, you've probably seen something very similar to it elsewhere.

If this pops up on cable, and you have nothing else to do, you might want to give it a try. Otherwise, my suggestion is that you

Monday Movie Review - THE DARK TAPES

I went in search of this movie because it was recommended as "one the best unknown horror films of 2017". And since I'd never heard of it, and the premise sounded interesting, I checked it out on iMovies.

Like V/H/S, it's a collection of 4 stories, all told in that found footage, first person venue. Unlike V/H/S, there's nothing connecting these stories, which makes it confusing transferring from one story to the next.

Of the four, the one involving the couple moving into a haunted house is the most interesting. Unfortunately, the other three are a bit too predictable or uninteresting.

There's not much gore. It's mostly psychological horror, although the special effects are decent.

All in all, if you manage to catch this for free on cable, you might want to give it a whirl if you have nothing else to do for the next hour and a half. Otherwise, I suggest that you

Halloween Special

Monday Movie Review - HELL

I'd been hearing about this movie for some time. That it's a post-apocalyptic story about survivors trying to live in a world where the sun has scorched everything into a wasteland. Considering how much I love these kinds of movie, I thought I'd give it a spin.

We're introduced to three people driving through the countryside. An older sister with her boyfriend are in the front seat. The younger sister is in the back. They're looking for food, water, and gasoline, and come across what appears to be a deserted gas station. Instead, they meet another young man, who joins them on their journey.

Where are these people headed? We don't exactly know. It's like they're aimlessly searching for a place to "settle down". Instead, they run across a group of cannibals, and thus we get to the action part of the movie where they try to escape.

Although the acting was good, and the effects were better, a lot about this movie didn't make sense. For example, if it was so damn hot, why didn't any of them sweat? Why weren't their clothes wringing wet after spending so much time inside a stifling hot car with the windows rolled all the way up?

For all the nifty production values, the film fell flat for me. No real surprises. No real tension. There are lots of good post-apoc movies, and many of them don't have zombies or monsters - just the human sort. But when it comes to this one, my suggestion is that you

Monday Movie Reviews - STORAGE 24

Aliens in a Storage Facility

The trailer looked great for this one. So when I got the chance to see it on HDNet Movies on DirectTV before it hit theaters, I jumped at the chance.

Right off the bat, it started off with an airplane crashing into one of those storage u-lock-it-and-leave-it places. The people who were inside at the time are trapped when the electricity is cut, and the doors opening to the outside no longer work. Which means they're trapped inside with something that fell out of the plane when it crashed.

I have to admit, the initial idea seemed solid. The acting is pretty good. But unfortunately, the movie falls flat. I love the fact that it takes place in London (or rather, in the London suburbs). Otherwise, there is very little for me to recommend. At every twist and turn, I felt as if I was watching a contemporary version of Aliens, but inside a storage facility instead of a spaceship. It's just a matter of seeing who gets picked off one at a time, and who'll survive for one last match-up at the end.

The way I judge a movie is whether or not I'd watch it again once it's released on TV. If I want to watch it again and can't wait for the release, it's a BUY. When I'll watch it again on TV or Netflix, it's a RENT. If I couldn't care less, it's a BURY.

Unfortunately, my recommendation is to

Some Movies That Just Should Not Be Viewed

I've now seen several movies that, to me, were so disturbing that I wish I hadn't seen them. Among those titles are SALO, CALIGULA (1979), and now THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 2.

I liked the original Centipede movie. But this one has gone into realms of abomination. Yes, I can still remove myself from the film, reminding myself it's only a movie, but then I wonder what kind of point Tom Six was trying to make with some of the scenes.

The movie deals with an avid fan of the first film. He's a little guy named Martin, a loner who still lives with his mother, and who was severely abused by his father. He's unattractive, grossly overweight, and holds a night job in an underground parking facility.

He's so overwhelmed by the first Centipede film that he watches and re-watches it on his laptop computer at work. He has a scrapbook, detailing the surgical methods used in the film. In fact, he's decided to make his own human centipede, except he plans to take it a step further - rather than use three people, he'll use twelve. And he'll get his victims as they enter the underground garage.

The fact that he has no surgical skills or a sterile facility doesn't deter him. He finds an abandoned warehouse, and he brings along his rolls of duct tape, scissors, various kitchen knives, and a trusty staple gun.

There are scenes from these movies that will forever haunt me. What I need is a strong dose of "behind the scenes" to cleanse my palate. Although there are a couple of shorts in the Extras that show us some of their tricks, I still won't be able to wipe the residue off my mental screen.

This is why I will not be renting a copy of Centipede 3, and why my recommendation for this movie is to

Monday Movie Review - BLACK SWAN

I've read and been told repeatedly that this movie is a horror movie.  I can see why some reviewers would say so.  But to me the horror was so subtle, I dismissed it.  If anything, this movie is a psychological thriller.

Nina has given her life to dance the role of the Swan Queen in the ballet Swan Lake.  But  while her temperment fits the White Swan part, she's repeatedly told she doesn't have enough "nastiness" in her to make the Black Swan part credible.

Her director brings in Lily, who happens to be the complete opposite of Nina, and it looks as though Lily will take the part of the Black Swan, if not the entire role.  This threat is enough to force Nina to reach inside herself and pull out a performance that surprises everyone.  However, the consequence of her action is both shocking and surprising.

This role won Portman an Oscar (among many other kudos) for her portrayal of Nina.  But I had a difficult time following the story line.  There are many times when you wonder whether or not Nina is going mad.  How much of what she sees is real, and how much is her imagination?

All in all, this movie is not one I would watch again.  I viewed it the first time to see what horror elements it contained, but for the most part I was disappointed.  Which is why my recommendation is that you 

Monday Movie Review - LAKE MUNGO

This movie was an After Dark Horrorfest 4 selection.  It took me a while to get to it for various reasons.  But now that I've seen it, umm...well...I've seen it.

This Austrailian flick is not for those who like their shocks, gore, and splatter.  It's a very subtle, very low key film about parents, family, and friends grieving for a girl who drowned in a nearby dam.  Told in documentary style, the parents discover their daughter had a secret life.  From there they begin to suspect their house is haunted by her restless spirit.

If you're the type who enjoys the slow-paced drama of films like "Paranormal Activity" and "Blair Witch", you might enjoy this one.  But for me it was too slow, too monotoned, and the scares that were supposed to make me feel creepy just didn't affect me at all.  Although I loved the Austrailian background, and the camera work was brilliant, I found myself repeatedly glancing at the clock.

Which is why my recommendation is to

Monday Movie Review - MALEVOLENCE

According to IMDB.com, this story is the 2nd part of a trilogy, which makes me excited for part 1 to show up soon (Entitled "Bereavement", it's in post-production as of this writing.)

Malevolence begins 20 years after the kidnapping of a young boy by a serial killer.  The killer takes the child to the basement of an abandoned slaughter house (which is right next door to the killer's own home - go figure.)  The killer teaches the boy how to be a vicious murderer...and the film jumps forward 20 years.

A quartet of out-of-luck-and-work schmucks try to rob a bank.  One gets shot, and they spread to the four winds to avoid being caught, with plans to meet at "a place out in the middle of nowhere" in order to divvy up the dough.  Umm, bet you'll never guess where this "place" is.  Oh, darn!  You figured it out?

Anyway, a serial killer who appears to live there begins to  stalk them.  Guess who is under the mask!  Gee, good guess!

Will someone explain to me why serial killers go after their victims like they're swimming through waist-deep mud, while the victims are running faster than Olympic sprinters?  And why is it a normal person can get shot, knifed, and clubbed, and DIE, yet it's a mere flesh wound for killers?  It makes you wonder if there's a Michael Myers Survival School for Deranged Killers.

This movie is cliched and predictable.  The acting is so-so, and the gore effects aren't worth mentioning.  However, the premise of part 1, how the original killer turned an innocent young boy into his protege, looks a lot more promising.

In the meantime, when it comes to part 2,

Monday Movie Review - SKYLINE

It's so sad to see a promising movie not live up to its potential.

I braved the theaters to see Skyline in all its extra-wide glory.  In my opinion, films like this need to be viewed in that kind of setting.  But despite how beautiful the movie was shot, no matter how good the acting was, no matter how convincing the CGI effects were, Skyline just didn't deliver.

To summarize: A couple from New York fly out to LA to visit a friend and co-partner in a new business venture.  That night they're awakened by strange blue lights, and the fact that their apartment tower is shaking like its in the center of a major earthquake.  Truth is, Earth is being invaded by aliens, who are sucking up the human inhabitants for consumption.  With really nowhere to go, the four friends are basically sitting ducks waiting for the inevitable to occur.

Halfway through I found myself comparing it Independence Day and Cloverfield, which I'm sure others did as well.  Yes, there were a few scary moments (one of which is in the trailer/commercial, and was totally ruined for us.  Note to filmmakers - Don't Do That!)

Then ending, however, left me completely dumbstruck.  It was a payoff this romance lover never saw coming, but I was struck by its implications.  Which is why I'm going to buy me a copy of this flick (second hand), if nothing more but to re-watch it for those last few minutes.  Otherwise, my suggestion is that you

Monday Movie Review - AMUSEMENT

This is a perfect example where the trailer is better than the movie.  That being said, here's the nitty gritty:

Three girls taunt a young boy, who is showing one of the major tendencies of a possible serial killer (eg. torturing and killing little animals.)  They tattle on him.   Years later, as a grown man, he sets his sights on these now young women.  

There are no true scares, so-so camera work, and basically no logistical reason for the movie to exist.  The acting rates a 5 on a scale of 10, but otherwise this film is riddled with trite scenarios.  If you're looking for something to do a "Mystery Science Theater 3000" dialog to, this one's for you.

If you have a clown phobia, you might want to avoid this one.
Better yet, just go ahead and

Monday Movie Review - THE CELLAR DOOR

A lonely, misguided man sees a girl.  He waits until she's alone, and kidnaps her.  He keeps her in his cellar, and cruelly taunts her, treats her like crap, and emotionally and mentally abuses her.  Yes, there is some physical abuse, but overall this movie didn't grab me.  The "spine-tingling" didn't happen, but I watched until the end of the film to see how it would play out. 

I don't know.  This film has a multitude of kudos going for it, but for some reason I just couldn't get into it.  The girl manages to outwit her abductor, and he gets his in the end.  Okay, so tell me we haven't seen this scenario countless times before. 

I will admit the acting was okay.  The gore value was so-so.  I really didn't have any problems with the movie other than the fact that it didn't scare me, and I really couldn't have cared less for the victim or the culprit.

My recommendation, therefore, is to:

Monday Movie Review - FANGORIA BLOOD DRIVE II

This is a collection 8 short films, most of them around 15-17 min. long.  And although I know these are all amateur pieces, some of the video quality and blood gags are almost professional.

Overall , you have to give kudos to everyone for their efforts.  The stories are very unique, but most of them suffer at the end.  Just as the story gets interesting, it's over, and the endings are either incongruous, or downright puzzling.

Of the eight, "Means to an End" and "Working Stiff" are black comedies.  (The cheese grater got to me, ugh!)  "Disposer" gives phone sex a bloody new meaning.  And "Sawbones" is the only historical, taking you back to the open field hospitals of the Civil War.  But in my opinion, these 4 aren't enough to justify the rental.  Worse, each short is introduced by Mistress Juliya, and I nearly stopped the DVD after her first appearance.

Therefore, I'll make my recommendation as brief as possible:

Monday Movie Review - NECROSIS (aka Blood Snow)

Good premise - check.
Good looking DVD cover - check.

Good movie - uhhhh...

After six friends arrive at a mountain cabin for a long weekend, a monstrous snowstorm traps them. Soon the spirits of the Donner Party -- frontier settlers who resorted to cannibalism in a similar snowstorm -- begin to haunt them. As they start turning on each other, it's not clear whether the ghosts are real or the result of their fear.

Six twenty-somethings, trapped in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of a snowstorm where no one can escape to find help.  And, of course, the phones don't work.  Being hunted by figures in the dark that aren't scary.  The blood is there, but the kills aren't spectacular.  It's more of a who-can-seduce-whom via hot tub and bikinis, and then let's go snowmobiling. 

Sadly, I almost couldn't finish this, but I was curious to find out who survived.

My recommendation: 

Monday Movie Review - ZOMBIES OF MASS DESTRUCTION

"A Political Zomedy"

This movie is another one of the films selected for the After Dark Horrorfest IV, and although it tries to stay very tongue-in-cheek, I was undecided whether to take it wholly serious, or wholly for fun.

First off, the film is riddled with Iranian/Iraqi and gay jokes.  Maybe that's the "in" thing right now, but I was wondering how viewers would see it ten years or so down the road.

The film is one of those "the military is doing illegal experiments on a little town without the inhabitants knowing about it."  I'm sorry, but that scenario is quickly growing stale.  The town itself is a real place up in Washington state, and it's a beautiful little Norman Rockwell village. 

The blood effects are super cool, I must admit.  The acting is tolerable.  But instead of watching it play out with baited breath, I found myself leafing through the latest Fangoria magazine while it continued on in the background.

If you want to see a terrific "zomedy", go rent ZOMBIELAND or SHAWN OF THE DEAD.  As for this movie, my recommendation is to

Monday Movie Review - NINE DEAD

This movie has a great premise:  a masked killer kidnaps nine seemingly random victims and chains them in a room.  He gives them ten minutes to find out what they all have in common.  If they don't, he'll kill one of them.  At first they don't believe him, until he fulfills his promise and takes his first victim.

As the clock keeps ticking away, and the victims are slaughtered one at a time, the survivors try to find the answer the killer is seeking.

The cast is good.  The tension is there.  The kills aren't spectacularly bloody, but the who-done-it keeps you glued... until the ending.  The big, sucky ending that doesn't satisfy, and in my honest opinion, felt overly contrived.

My recommendation?

Monday Movie Review - BIG MAN JAPAN

Call me a glutton for punishment.  I tried another Japanese "horror" movie that is supposed to be strictly for laughs, except this time there's no zombies. 

The movie is told interview style and very tongue-in-cheek.  The subject is named Masaru, and he is the last in a long line of "heroes" who are of average size until the city is attacked by hideous monsters.  At that point he jolts himself with a billion volts of electricity, and becomes a 40 ft. tall man who tries to beat the crap out of the monsters.  Of course, the big guy and monsters are all CGI, but overall the effects are very good. 

What bothered me were the monsters.  Some are flat-out disturbing, in my honest opinion.  But I was taking it all with a large grain of salt until the ending.  That's when the whole movie turned ass-over-end for me.

My recommendation:

Monday Movie Review - POULTRYGEIST

I don't know why I watch Troma films.  Maybe it's because they're so off the wall stupid, they're funny.  Most of the time, that is.  This movie isn't not one of their best.  But it IS controversial in what all is involved.  The bathroom humor is definitely there.  Lots of bathroom humor.  All over the walls, the floor, the ceiling.  Buckets of it.  That also goes for the blood.  Lots and lots of blood.

This movie is sort of an off-key musical.  It's a farce.  It's a parody.  It's unbelievably moronic. 

Briefly, a poor sap, whose girl left him and became a lesbian, finds a job at a fast food fried chicken place.  Except the food becomes infected, which in turn infects those who eat it, turning them into chicken zombies.  Yeah, you read that right.  Human chicken zombies.  No, I can't explain further.

Of course, this is the perfect film for teen and frat boys to gather around and watch.  Lots of nudity and sick jokes.  Otherwise, my recommendation is to